3 months

3 months…..

It is hard to believe it has been 3 months since Michael was born. If he was alive he would be 3 months old, yet not even due for 2 more weeks.  Time has never seemed so inaccurate.  Even though it has only been 3 months, it honestly feels like years since we have seen him.  It is amazing that things we did before he was here seem just like yesterday, however those 11 days he was alive feel like forever ago.  We all miss Michael every second of every day. 

I decided to update this blog periodically after reading some of the blogs that were written by other people who have also lost a child.  It helps to see the progress we have made and also to remember this time.  Honestly if I had not recorded those days we had in the hospital, I know I would not remember hardly any of the details. 

So how are we doing?  I get this question a lot and I still don’t know how to answer it.  I always say “as well as can be expected”.  Everyone tells you it will get easier.  They forget to tell you that is only after it gets harder.  The first few weeks after Michael passed away I feel like we were somewhat in a haze.  It is so awkward to go about doing normal daily activities and family events when your family feels anything but normal.  Then the shock and numbness of it all wears off and you are staring your reality in the face.  This is where we are at now.  We are getting closer to the holidays and are faced with the reality that we should have a new blessing here, but don’t.  I have reached out to several friends who have also lost little ones for advice for simple things that others may not even think about.  Like how do we sign our Christmas cards?  It is so hard to sign a card “Mike, Jen, Madigan, Sophia and Ainsley” and have Michael’s name left out.  He is a part of our family even though he is not here.  But do you sign his name even though he physically is not here?  Then there is the family Christmas picture…..and family pictures in general.  We are trying to work though each situation as it comes and I know there will be many more. 

The girls talk a lot about Michael, which we really like.  On Halloween, Madigan said if Michael were here he would be a Monkey for Halloween ( I was thinking the same thing!).  For thanksgiving we are doing “thankful lists” and ask the girls to write one thing everyday that they are thankful for.  Everyone of course said Michael, however Sophia specifically said “That God let us have Michael” and “That God takes care of Michael”.  I thought those statements were pretty big for a 4 year old.  Madigan still seems to be the most affected since she is older and knows a little bit more.  Many times she will just come up to me and give me a hug and say that she misses Michael.  The girls also like to draw him as an angel when they draw pictures of the family.  After Michael died, our nurse Shannon suggested getting a stuffed animal for the girls to remind them of Michael. We eventually got around to getting our “Michael Monkey”.  It is nothing more than a little stuffed monkey (the girls called Michael a little monkey after he was born).  It is amazing how much they love having this monkey.  Madigan said one day that she was glad we bought the Monkey to remind us of Michael.  We have decided to include the monkey in pictures with the girls to remind us of him.  We have even taken him with us when we go out of town.  It may sound weird, however it is nice to have a reminder of him….and the girls really like it. 

I am thankful for the support of some friends who have also lost babies of their own.  It is so unfortunate this is what we have in common, however they have been a great source of strength and support through many situations.  They have been there for me when I need to reach out to someone who truly understands what we are going through, because unfortunately they have also been in our shoes. 

We continue to thank every one for their support.  It is little things that people do that have helped us through this.  Just a few days ago someone from our church nursery sent us a card that said “your children have displayed such a peace that their brother is with their heavenly father and that some day you will all be together and in the presence of Christ our Savior”.   Things like this help get us through, knowing that God is with us every step of the way….and thankfully our girls also understand.